The Original Patent-Pending Design

"All right! You got something else you totally had to have!" Christian called out as he brought in our mail.

Upon opening the thick white plastic wrap of my package, I found that he was referring to the Teething Bling I scored for 60% off. It actually did take opening the package to see what was inside, because it could have been any number of things I had recently purchased from discount websites targeting moms. Let's see, I still look forward to opening our gray plastic mailbox in anticipation of delivery of my Lexie Barnes overnighter, Mimi the Sardine Splat Mat, Squeakers, Baby Banz...and how could I forget that hottest innovation in child restraint - the Tie Chair!!!! - soon to be delivered directly to the end of my driveway, a mere 25 steps from my front door?!

What? You've never heard of the Tie Chair? OR Mimi or even Lexie Barnes? So what if I hadn't heard of them, either, until my eyes (and my bank account) were opened to the glory of so-called bargain sites like babysteals, mamabargains, and babyhalfoff. I mean, seriously...just because I had been previously oblivious to the production of tiny shoes with tinier squeak toys inside the heel lining doesn't mean that I don't actually need them. They'll be indispensable, I'm sure. They reinforce the correct heel-to-toe walking pattern! I'll be able to hear Silas if he tries to wander off! He'll be fascinated by the sounds his feet make every single time he takes his baby steps, so he'll be walking even more! Walking even more, of course, once he can walk at all...but I'm sure it'll be soon. Some kids hop right up and toddle off sometime around 7 months, right? RIGHT?!

Sigh. I'm a weak-willed woman when it comes to a supposed bargain I can purchase from the comfort of my desk chair. Christian once called me the "perfect consumer," and as much as I hate to think of myself that way, it's true. Part of my job description is teaching media literacy to teenagers. I actually have a whole unit - one of my favorites, in fact - about commercials and target audience and the brainwashing powers of advertising. I've read all about the AAP recommendations of watching only limited amounts of TV along with toddlers because their impressionable little-but-rapidly-growing brains cannot differentiate between the actual program and the commercials.

Yet I'm a hypocritical sucker for bright colors and little animal designs and the novelty of jewelry that is simultaneously moderately attractive AND capable of withstanding the frantic gnawing of a teething six-month-old. I mean, c'mon...the website even features a picture of Mr. Big playfully chewing one of the "federally-approved silicone discs" draped around his fiancee's neck. Of course I can spot that example of testimonial from here to our USPS distribution center. Of course I recognize the frivolity of the majority of the baby goods market...and yet I still couldn't help myself from buying two of those darn Teething Bling sets.